I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think my nap took me to another dimension
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
