Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
