Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
