No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
