I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
