Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
