Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
