Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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