somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
