Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
