i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
