Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
