I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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