I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
