This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
