I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
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