I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
