I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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