I'm going to jail i love you
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
