i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
