I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize