Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
