Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
