I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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