I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
