i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
