You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
