its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
