if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
