I think I won the penis lottery.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
