so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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