Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
the liver wants what the liver wants
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
