Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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