Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
