THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
