final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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