Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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