i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
