im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
