glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
