His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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