I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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