Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
