fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
