woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I had to cum in my sink.
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