I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
