they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
