dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
