I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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