the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize