a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize