dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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