Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
