dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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