I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
