im six kinds of drunk right now
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
