is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
